"We heard rumors about some little kid crazy about ham radio," exclaimed a Minnesota VE who asked to remain anonymous.
"He made all the right noises - HAMSAT, FT8, QRP" this "kid" was bubbling over with optimism about becoming a ham when he showed up for the session and we almost bought his claim about being nine years old. Then, on his way out, temporary EXTRA ticket in hand, this self proclaimed fifth-grader let slip to another new ham at least six times as old that he just finished reading a great book and we got suspicious. So we followed him out to the parking lot still expecting to see his mom behind the wheel of a Kia or something, yet nobody was there to pick him up. Another VE asked if he needed a ride and he said no thanks, very politely, he only lived about four blocks away and it was such a nice day he'd walk home and watch a terrific black and white movie on his VCR. That's when we knew he was an imposter and called 911."
Hapless second-bester Elon Musk failed again to fool the world with his Space Dummy-driven Bondo Bugatti.
Oh it's on it way somewhere, but one of Baba Yagi Radiosportronics' planetary-roving ham shacks on chicken legs is giving the goofy hoopty guff every step of the way.
Apparently the Muskellunge was in such a rush to Photoshop away the inconvenient proof in early pictures, he managed to erase all the stars in the background. What a tool! He belongs right there along with Magic Selection Wand and the wee little Eye Dropper!
The Rfchokian Ministry of Space fixed his wagon but good, releasing the high-resolution coal-fired image above, revealing the truth of the matter, and yes, my god, outer space is FULL OF STARS, thank you very much.
Meanwhile back at Motel Baba Mars, the Serene Maximum President of Rfchokia and Baba Yagi Radisportronics, Almighty Vlad gloated serenely at the front desk, preparing Mars' first ham DXped motor court to open for business and crush puny Elon Musk like a saltine beneath a steamroller.
You've probably seen the lurid headlines.
You've probably avoided discussing your hobby on the job because of uncomfortable questions that come up whenever ham radio is mentioned these days.
It's truly a crisis of credibility, such that at a meeting of the world's most rich and powerful leaders in Davos, Switzerland, president of America's Goodboys Radio Relay League electrified the forum with the most direct, forceful denials yet, that ham radio will turn you into silverfish.
Still the talk persists.
Maybe not in the board rooms, the executive suites, the highest levels of government, military, and academia.
But in the coffee shops, while pumping gas and shopping stores where everything doesn't necessarily weigh five pounds or look blue, yet somehow, for some strange reason, everything costs a dollar, everyday people are speaking quietly about ham radio and silverfish.
Will one turn you into the other?
Five years ago, this sort of talk wouldn't fly.
But given all that's gone down, in the news, in the world, people are questioning authority more and more at every level.
So when some big shot silverfish tells a bunch of other big shots ham radio won't turn you into a silverfish, a lot of people say not so fast.
People ask themselves, "Why is this big honkin' silverfish telling me this? Silverfish never got that big. And they never told you anything either. You pulled back the shower curtain and there they were, running around the tub like a bat out of hell and then down the drain, probably to tell the Devil they saw you with no clothes on and the both of them crack right up, big joke, ha-ha-ha."
Frankly, outside the inner circles, you can taste the fear.
Folks don't want to be that creepy-crawly. That thing that disappears for day or even two at time, for what, a ham radio contest? It's all the more than passing strange.
And besides, you have no idea, nor do you really want to know, just where that silverfish has been.
Therein lies perhaps the greatest challenge in the history of ham radio public outreach. Which is why our sources tell us GRRL is strategically building on their president's Pyrrhic victory at Davos with a multi-flight campaign of on--message refrigerator magnets.
The message? DON'T FEAR THE FISH!
Here's proposed Refrigerator Magnet One of Operation DFTF.
Positive. Conversational. Matter-of-fact. .
This targets Live Ones who might have some reservations, for whom a positive, conversational, matter-of-fact tone would be enough to steam roller their butterflies.
Does Dashtoons buy-in?
Hardly. But we're just craven enough to broker a deal and sell Don't Fear the Fish! magnets.
"The glee was palpable, like fondue all over your fish fork, but you didn't care, you lept to your feet and screamed like a lady in a monster movie."
That's how one Swiss banker described the tumultuous scene after GRRL president Ima Nho-Silverfish tore down the house, leaving hundreds of the worlds richest and most powerful reptilians weak in the knees.
Nho-Silverfish got down to business from the get-go, calling out anyone who thought ham radio turned people into scuttling, dirty little insects.
"You believe that hooey?," he bellowed, "I'll throw you down I will, throw you down sir, throw you down you too madam, down with insects where you belong!"
No takers. Movers and shakers shook with fear, while their private security teams moved quietly to the exits.
"Alll right then,"he softened,"I want you to meet somebody."
With that, a gaunt figure wearing old school off-the-rack J.Press joined Nho-Silverfish on stage behind a lectern of his own.
"I've never seen him before in my life," explained the GRRL president," "Isn't that true Boney Marony?"
The gaunt figure nodded affirmatively, with the hint of grin.
Somewhere I read on the web Skinny here is part of a ham secret society, a cult called Skull & Dogbones. And they say that cult took over GRRL years ago, Are you them Boney Marony? Are you the boss of me?
The gaunt figure first seemed to hesitate and then peered down at the logo on his lectern in plain sight, and then slowly, with increasing conviction, shrugged.
Not them huh? No way? Boney Marony says no freakin' way. Ladies and gentlemen, can you smell what I'm cookin?
Applause rippled the crowd, until the audience was on its feet, cheering, crying, pulling hair out, it was history, encapsulating the monent like a thunderclap finally the GRRL president took command once again, pausing in the hush.
"So that's it then. All she wrote, We put it behind us. All the fake ham news. All the fake ham conspiracies. The silverfish. The Skull & Dogbones. That's over. All over. And now it's time to go to work..on tomorrow.
And the name of that tomorrow YLs and OMs, is a New Ham Order."
LOST 75 PHONE FOUND!
In a stunning admission just days ago, the FCC revealed that the 75 meter ham radio phone band was lost between December 2016 and May 2017.
Sources now tell Dash!Reports that 75 meter phone was FOUND LAST JUNE…in maroon pajamas and a green tartan bathrobe at a Kingston, New York Off Track Betting Parlor engaged in animated conversation with a LOTTO vending machine. OTB patrons said 75 meter phone was a little loud and annoying, but no big deal and despite the annoyance, everybody kind of felt sorry for the band, so staff allowed it stay TFN, unless it began picking fights and throwing up.
FCC acknowledged embarrassment at the band’s escape and protracted disappearance, and attributed lack of initial disclosure to a “procedural glitch,” innocently
Since returning to it usual place on the ham radio dial, 75 meter phone appears no worse for wear owing to its shocking 6 month absence without leave.
The FCC vowed “severe reassignment” to prison for anyone who continues to investigate this debunked story.
SHOCK:Five Months of 75 Phone Lost!!!
In a strategically pre-dawn news release,the Federal Communications Commission disclosed Wednesday that the 75 meter amateur radio phone band was completely lost between December 2016 and May 2017.
When pressed to offer an explanation, FCC's Senior Deputy Explainer cavalierly excused the shocking lapse, claiming "nobody noticed."
Ham conspiracy theorists admitted that was true, but insisted that a full, fair and f-something-or-other investigation be launched before the cock crows on the morrow or there would be hell to pay, Buster Brown.
In response, the Commission promised "no stone left unturned" and "severe reassignment" for any drunken, drug-addled, ill-connected temporary employees likely found responsible for losing 75 meter phone. In exchange, drawing a line in the sand, FCC officials demanded full immunity from prosecution granted to everyone else, plus a tidy bonus, for reaching out at "this ungodly predawn hour."
SHUTDOWN SHUTUP GRRL SEZ SHINE ON!
Breaking...In yet another startling pre-dawn development, GRRL switched ALL THE LIGHTS BACK ON nationwide, reopening their attractive Grid Stamp vacant mall parking lot showrooms in the face of continued name-calling and hurt feelings.
Discredited sources say as soon as the QUASI-GOV SHUTDOWN was canceled Goodboys Radio Relay League took it as a SIGNAL OF DEEP STATE SUPPORT for their controversially hapless avocado/harvestgold Grid Stamp awards scheme and began furiously RESTOCKING SHELVES in anticipation of a wave of hams grown weary of endless IN-FIGHTING over the damn COLOR OF GRID STAMPS.
As an UNEASY CALM spread across HAMERICA, GRRL spokespersons urged FULL-BLOWN calm in light of this blinding flash of STORE LIGHTING,a BEAM OF HOPE amidst our continuing national ham awards emergency.
Licking their wounds, roving gangs of wheezy RED GRID STAMP firebrands vowed to TAKE OVER THE BANDS and TAKE BACK THE STREETS in a massive SHOW OF FORCE "any day now, as soon as they KICK THIS CHEST COLD."
All operators are asked to put the silly red vs. avocado/harvest gold thing behind them and take comforting shelter in a DIFFERENT PLACE, i.e. your local REDEMPT-O-MAT SHOWROOM, where smart Grid Stamp Savers will find a radiosporty array of FB shack accent pieces and signal enhancing GRRL knick-knacks. Open 24 hours ACRES OF FREE & EASY PARKING!