Heaviside, New York -- "It’s more expensive than an Eight-Ball, but way cheaper than Jungian analysis,” boasted an Empire State amateur radio operator who asked that his name be changed to Ham X and his voice digitally altered for this highly-exclusive Dash!Reports interview.

“Who knew? It came straight off the shelf from MFJ -- no mods, no hacks, no extra coils. Like, one day I got this kooky idea to ask my antenna analyzer if I was going to dominate ENY in the Sweeps”

According to Ham X, the display flashed NO, but continued NEXT YEAR YOU’VE GOT A SHOT IF YOU JUST RELAX AND LEARN TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

Ham X was struck by this common sense advice. ”Suddenly I had someone, or something in my corner,” he cheered, “All because I asked a simple question.”

“Nobody I know ever tried this before. They never expected any more than SWR readings and resonant frequencies from their analyzer, so that’s what they got. But I reached out and I’m glad I did.”

In weekly 50 minute sessions, Ham X and his analyzer cover a lot of ground. “Will it rain? What’s up with my fear of caterpillars? Is my lime alligator shirt appropriate evening wear? How about that new Elecraft? Does my Subconscious make me look fat?” Ham X reeled off a list of tedious questions that would depress the most well-adjusted therapist and bring down the highest-flying consultant.

Ham X urged advice-seekers not to fall for cheap Chinese divinatory baked goods now flooding the market. "You pay a few extra dollars for the antenna analyzer, but just try and suss out your next Moxon with a fortune cookie and you'll be so, so sorry," our anonymous source warned in voice disguised as Darth Vader.